Few joys are as great
as truly believing in something,
or as effective
in making them come true!

The noisy wheel gets the grease!

An dear old friend of mine, Fritz Hoffman taught me one of life's great quotes: "The noisy wheel gets the grease!" This was after I effortlessly walked into the accountant's office and asked for my paycheck, late on a payday Friday, when no one had yet received theirs, and she gave it to me. Simple, yet effective. Fritz's hearty laugh and reciting of the greasy wheel quote has subtly (or maybe not so subtly!) empowered me throughout my life.

The article "We have a responsibility to guide children" (see earlier post) is a great example of a rather simple effort rewarded with a positive response. Last week I went in to meet the head chaperone at a jr. high dance, who had received my article and invited me to the dance. I was a little nervous, and feeling a bit like Dana Carvey's character, the church lady. The chaperone's warm welcome and and even warmer smile was a relief. In fact all the parents involved were very upbeat. One of them had a sign pinned to his back that read "Zero tolerance to inappropriate dancing!!" There were similar signs on the DJ's desk, and the DJ announced it throughout the night. And the best part of all, was that after having enforced the stricter dancing policy at the previous dance, attendance was not down. In fact it was up!

In spite of the initial reaction you get from children, they thrive with boundaries. All children (and adults for that matter) just want to be safe.... and have a little fun!

IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY, TAKE A MOMENT TO READ THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE!

Below is an article that was published last June in the Cincinnati Enquirer. Take a moment to read it, then check in later this week to read how speaking up and making a stance helped hundreds of children!

"We have a responsibility to guide children" as seen in the Cincinnati Enquirer.

Do you know what a grind line is? Twelve-year-olds do. I'm not talking about the forward line of the Detroit Red Wings of the National Hockey League. I'm talking about the "urban" definition as follows: 1. The vulgar dance where people rub their body parts against each other, usually to rap or techno. 2. A form of the most sexual dancing imaginable - and becomes even more explicit.
I recently heard a rumor that a local school was actually letting 7th-and 8th-grade children do this at their "mixer" dance, so I arrived 35 minutes early to pick up my daughter. From a distance it all looked so innocent. These young kids were happily dancing together, a far cry from standing at opposite ends of the gym from the boys as we did at that age. But upon looking harder, a flush of adrenaline rushed through my body as I saw that the rumor was true! It was actually worse than what I have seen college kids do at night clubs. Along with grinding was a boy firmly groping a girl's breast while sticking his tongue in her mouth. I went in and did what the chaperones weren't - I pried my arm between them and told them they were dancing too close. It wasn't hard to do, in fact it was quite easy. So why weren't they doing it? Are adults afraid of children? I just don't get it. I trusted wrongly that this school and its parent chaperones were watching out for my child. I have since learned that this is happening at junior high dances everywhere.
Why does today's society seem so eager to have sexually active children? One million teens in the USA will become pregnant over the next twelve months, with more than one-third ending in abortion. One in four teenage girls now have STDs. Almost 40% of women raped are teenagers, usually by their date. And not least, let's not forget the life-altering emotional turmoil a child endures when they are exposed to sex at such a young age.
I'm going to tailor my favorite quote by Marianne Williamson to challenge all of us parents and adults who work with children: "We ask ourselves, who am I to be children's keeper, protector, teacher, advocate? Actually, who are you not to be?" And if, because of your unpopular actions, your children's friends say to them, "I wouldn't want to have your parents.", know that in your child's heart and best interest, they are saying, "Actually, I wouldn't want not to".

And Rule # 6 - The most golden of all rules!

6. Explain to them what unconditional love is! To know that you are loved beyond measure, to no end, is the most powerful and healing concept that a human can grasp. Give this gift to your child above all, whether you're divorced or not. And believe in it for yourself. There is a love for us far greater than we can conceive, no spouse necessary!

Rule #5

5. Do not criticize your ex-spouse. (That is criticizing your child!) This may be the hardest rule of all. Children instinctively know that, on a cellular level, they are made up of both of you. You might as well be saying, "You are a loser!" when you call your ex-spouse one. There is a saying that goes, "When shooting an arrow of truth, one must first dip it in honey." Buy honey by the case!

Rule #4

4. Encourage them to ask questions. Sometimes we, in the midst of divorce, are so lost in our own thoughts that we often go for hours without a spoken word. Break the silence by a simple "How ya doin', hun?" Meet their eyes and give them your undivided attention, even if just for a fleeting minute. Give them the opportunity, and they'll be more likely to talk and ask questions. Keep it simple, casual and frequent.

Rule # 3

3. Let them know that you will still be their parents, even though the marriage has ended. Seems silly doesn't it? Well, children can be silly! Let them know you will always be there for them, and that nothing could ever change the fact that you are their mom and dad. Children may fear abandonment of one or both parents, and not even ask about it. They are never too young or too old to let them know that mom will always be mom and dad will always be dad!

Rule # 2

2. Reassure children often that the divorce is not their fault. Children of all ages blame themselves. "If I would have thrown Mommy a better birthday party, they wouldn't have got divorced!" or, "If I keep my room extra clean, they won't fight" are often the perspectives of children. Many children hear their parents arguing over parenting issues. They need to know that most arguments about them result from problems in the marriage, not with them, and that they had absolutely nothing to do with your decision to divorce.

Rule#1

Over the next few days I'd like to go into more detail on the Six Golden Rules to Help Your Children Through Divorce, one rule at a time.

Rule # 1: With your spouse, tell your children before change takes place. Four out of five preschool aged children are never even told about their parents divorce! Babies know when there is a change in routine, or any stress in the household. Not only will this be one of the hardest conversations you'll have to have with your children, but you'll have to have it with the person you maybe least like. And don't dismiss the idea of seeking help from a school counselor, mental health professional, social worker, religious advisor or support group for yourself, your children or the family as a whole. Other cultures call this "enlightenment. I called it necessary.

The Six Golden Rules

Children do face difficulties when families separate. Fortunately, there are efforts parents can make to lower these hurdles. We have to shift our personal strength into overdrive; first meet our basic needs, then set ourselves aside and meet the needs of our children. Easier said than done, but isn't that what we as parents are supposed to do?
To keep myself in check, I compiled a short list of the most important advice for parents in this predicament and posted it on my refrigerator. I call them the Six Golden Rules to Help Children Through Divorce. These rules can be simple and obvious, but difficult to abide by, and easily forgotten in our strife.
1. With your spouse, tell your children before change takes place.
2. Reassure children often that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Let them know that you will still be their parents, even though the marriage has ended.
4. Encourage them to ask questions.
5. Do not criticize your ex-spouse. (That is criticizing them!)
6. Explain to them what unconditional love is!