I trust Jesus will be there - that's all I need!

        In May of 2021, I was uncertain if I would make my daughter’s wedding, as I had breast cancer that had spread to my brain and bones. But not only was I alive and well enough to go — I danced all night at it. A year after that, I have the privilege of being a grandparent!   

        I can rightfully proclaim that God has been extremely good to me, but what one can see on the outside pales in comparison to the compassion He has on me within my heart. Currently, I have a tumor sitting right next to my brain stem, so my team of doctors cannot remove or radiate it. The only way to fight it is to try to shrink it with chemo. (I also use mistletoe, an alternative and natural immune booster.)

        When I lay sick, or crawl into bed at night, you would think my jousting mind would be clouded with nothing but worry…and believe me, I do have to fight that from time to time. Rather, God sweeps in without me even asking Him to and comforts me as only He can. His loving presence is bigger and better than any threat to my life could ever be.  

 

         Every two months I peer anxiously at my scans to see what future I might have. But as Charles Spurgeon said, “Wherever Jesus may lead us, He goes before us. If we don't know where we are going, we know with whom we go.”

Jesus, Me? What'll I do? (Breast Cancer Post # 6)

 What’ll I do?

When my daughter was young, she used to amiably inquire, “What’ll I do?” anytime she wasn’t sure what to do next. It was always with the intent of pleasing us. My husband loved it, and took it on as a saying himself.

When I recently found out that my breast cancer was back, and had metastasized to my brain and bones, I immediately asked God, “What did I do?” Blaming myself, I could not get to the point where I could move forward constructively and ask what I should do next. Instead, I went over and over what I should have done different, both physically and spiritually.  

 

My whole adult life has been a big disciplinary act of trying to stay healthy. If it caused cancer, I wouldn’t go near it. If it was physical, it was by no means something I did that I should have known better. That left me with the spiritual - did sin get me here?  

    Sin

We are fully forgiven one hundred percent, for past, present and future sins. God only sees the righteousness of His son in us. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him. (2 Corinthians 5:21) Just to be clear, I'm not worried about my salvation here. 

Adam’s sin brought death to all of us, and thanks be to God, through Christ, we are made alive! (1 Corinthians 15:22) But maybe this is a consequence of my sin, not Adam's. Our sin, after all, does find us out. (Numbers 32:23) For example, smoking often leads to lung cancer. If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are. (I Corinthians 3:17) Did I do this to myself somehow? Is there something I can do to stop it? Oh Lord, Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: (Psalm 19:12&13) Many sleepless nights followed.

       Mad at Myself, or God? 

Then the song Nothing Can Touch Me That Doesn't Pass Through His Hand was sung in church the other day. I know it is true, and I know it is comforting…but not a lot for me right now. Beyond a doubt - He can heal me, so why wouldn’t He? Could I possibly be mad at my God for letting it get this far? I certainly don’t want to be! Not just because He is a consuming fire, (Hebrews 12:29) but because He has been SO VERY GOOD to me. 

Yet I find my self basically hiding from, or at least not making eye contact with Him. Typically, I would be all about having an ongoing and constant conversation with my best friend; now there are gaps without Him that I never had before. 

When I was dealing with breast cancer initially, I said that I would never question what the lover of my soul is doing. Now that’s all I seem to do. I need to remember how Jesus answered Peter in John chapter 21. When after Jesus told him of his future martyrdom, Peter asked what was going to happen to John. Jesus basically told him that it was none of his business. I used to chuckle at that - now it’s not so funny! (I must note here, that Peter’s death was to glorify God; a blessing above all blessings!) 

       Make Our Requests Known 

Philippians 4:6 says, Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. It’s absolutely okay to ask God for exactly what you want. We just have to realize that He might have a better way, even if we can’t see it yet. God’s plan of salvation was much better than what Jesus wanted (being fully man!) when He asked for his cup to pass from Him. (Matthew 26:39) This is exactly why He ended His prayer with, nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will. (Being fully God!) I hold dearly on to the fact that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) It restores my soul to know that God has a beautiful plan in the works. I can't see it (at all!) but I know it's there, because He said so. Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. (Ephesians 3:20)

     Eternal Illness

Technically, I have advanced cancer, not terminal cancer. Yet, that’s the term I seem to repeat to myself. Instead of thinking I have a terminal illness, I have decided to think of it as an eternal illness, as this illness is actually giving me more eternal life. And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent. (John 17:3) By much, I know Him better every day. I don’t go a minute without deeply diving into what Jesus is doing in my life. Whether I like what He’s doing or not, knowing Him better is so much better than a better life! 

    Praise God!

What it all comes down to is this: I have great joy when I think of God’s Truth, His Honesty, His Justice, His Purity, His Loveliness, His good report, and His virtue. (Philippians 4:8&9) It instantly leads me to praise Him, and praising Him never fails to pull me out of the dark, lonely place I go to when I wander from His fold. So I will set my mind on things of the Spirit, (instead of things of the flesh) where I will find life and peace! (Romans 8:5&6)  

  

Praise him for his mighty acts: 

praise him according to 

his excellent greatness. 

(Psalms 150:2)

By him therefore

let us offer the sacrifice of praise 

to God continually, that is, 

the fruit of our lips 

giving thanks to his name. 

Hebrews 13:15

I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; 

(Psalm 23) 

 

 

Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence? (Breast Cancer post #3)

Biopsies revealed that I did indeed have breast cancer, in each breast. The lump that prompted me to go in and see a doctor was the little sister, treatable by hormone therapy.  The big sister, undetected by mammogram, ultrasound and hands, is another character. This one needs serious chemo to treat it, is much larger and has started to metastasize, or spread. Sad to say, my breasts are no longer like two young roes that are twins.

The most frightening part of the entire trial so far was coming up next - testing to see if my cancer had spread to any of my organs, including my brain and my bones. But this is also where it gets the most exciting. Yes, you know it - my saviour and friend Jesus shows up! If you don't know Him, or know what it is like to know that He is right there by your side, I beg you to search for Him. God is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him! (Hebrews 11:6) 

MRI's are funny things. First the operator tells me that if I move at all, it's okay, but we would need to stop the process and do it again another day. Then he asks if I wanted music and of course I did. In a pinch to choose quickly I chose Chris Rice Pandora radio. (Calming Christian music) While I'm thinking to myself that I'm thankful I'm not claustrophobic, the clicking begins.  It takes great concentration to try to hear the music. Just when you focus in on it, ever so slightly, a new and much louder click joins the first one. It actually made me chuckle. Then I remembered I couldn't move. Once settled in I was gobbled up by fear. I was there, after all, because cancer may have invaded my entire body. I started to breathe heavily, then again remembered I couldn't move.  This is where it gets good. Real good...

I knew that I knew that I knew that Jesus slipped right in there beside me. No one takes your breath away quite like Him. His very presence stills all fears and turns them into utter joy. His charity enveloped me. He didn't ask me to walk on the raging water with Him this time. Instead, in that moment, He calmed the storm. Just then the song "Your Grace Still Amazes Me" by Phillips, Craig and Dean came on. (And I could hear it!) To get a better understanding of why I started to hyperventilate, here are the lyrics...

My faithful Father, Enduring Friend
Your tender mercy is like a river with no end
it overwhelms me covers my sin
each time I come into Your presence I stand in wonder once again

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day I fall on my knees
'cause Your grace still amazes me
Your grace still amazes me

Oh patient Savior, You make me whole
You are the author and the healer of my soul
what can I give You Lord what can I say
I know there's no way to repay You only to offer You my praise

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day I fall on my knees
cause Your grace still amazes me
Your grace still amazes me

It's deeper, It's wider, It's stronger, It's higher
It's deeper, It's wider, It's stronger, It's higher
than anything my eyes can see

Your grace still amazes me
Your love is still a mystery
each day I fall on my kness
cause Your grace still amazes me
Your grace still amazes me

I deserve no such thing as this grace of God, yet he lavishes it on me when I need Him the most. There is no hiding place on this beautiful earth that He will not find me, and shower me with blessings untold. Not even an MRI. 

The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown, (Illustrated by Clement Hurd, and first published in 1942) was one of my favorite books to read to my children. It wasn't until many years later while reading Psalm 139, that I realized where Margaret got the story from - there is no new thing under the sun. And there is nowhere else I would rather be, than in the constant and continuous care of my heavenly Father. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me! 

"Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid 

thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too 

wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto 

it. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither 

shall I flee from thy presence? If I ascend up into 

heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, 

behold, thou art there. If I take the wings of the 

morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the 

sea; Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy 

right hand shall hold me.                    Psalm 139: 5-10

God's Plan, Not Mine (Breast Cancer post #2)

Now that I knew I had cancer, it was time to get busy finding out just how bad it was. The next step was to have biopsies of both breasts. This may seem like no big deal, but for me it was a big deal! 

Let's back up sixteen years. After watching the monitor as they excruciatingly removed two of three pre-cancerous spots with a core needle, I fainted. (My body does not take to any numbing medicine, which makes going to the dentist a major event!) After I came to, I asked them why they didn't remove the third spot. They replied, "Let's just see what that one does". This was a doctor, I was out of pain...I asked no further questions. They told me to come back in six months. 

I went back a year later. When the Doctor scolded me for not coming back in six months, I told her that I needed more time to pray about it - which I did diligently. She said, "Well let's see how your God did". When she came back into the room she slapped the x-ray on the light and said, "It's gone". No words came out of my mouth; my smile was all that was necessary. 

Subsequent visits over the years showed no further complications. With every self-exam I would say to God, "You've got this, right?". 

About six months ago I felt a lump in the other breast. My immediate thought was, "Did I really need to pray for both breasts? I thought that would have been understood". Real bad I didn't want it to be there. Real bad I didn't want to go to the doctor and have them do hurtful things to it. Real bad I wanted God to take it away. For about three months I waited, and told God that I completely trusted Him to get rid of it. You see, I didn't want to pull an Asa...

"And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians. And Asa slept with his fathers, and died in the one and fortieth year of his reign."  2 Chronicles 16:12&13

I wanted to be more of a Hezekiah...

"In those days was Hezekiah sick unto death. And the prophet Isaiah the son of Amoz came to him, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Set thine house in order; for thou shalt die, and not live. Then he turned his face to the wall, and prayed unto the LORD, saying, I beseech thee, O LORD, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. And it came to pass, afore Isaiah was gone out into the middle court, that the word of the LORD came to him, saying, Turn again, and tell Hezekiah the captain of my people, Thus saith the LORD, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee" 2 Kings 20:1-5 

So here I am back on the biopsy table. The Doctor was very sure I had cancer in one breast. The other one, which I had issues with sixteen years ago, had nothing show up in the 3-D mammogram or ultrasound; we were just checking that one at my request, as I felt something deep inside that one. 

To prepare for the pain, this time with the knowledge of cancer in one of them, I went through the file of Bible verses I have memorized over the years. I would recite Psalm 23, Psalm 19 (My fave!) and I would put on the whole armour of God. (Ephesians 6:14-17) I was ready! 

God had another plan; another verse. (Maybe one of His faves!) Over and over, as the core needles were digging in, my soul was flooded with, "He is altogether lovely!"

I was simply in awe over this, especially given that the Song Of Solomon was not my favorite book of the Bible, respectfully. At first I thought it was hokey, so I avoided reading it, feeling bad since after all God is the author! Over the years I have found a real appreciation for it. When I realized that it is about the relationship Jesus has with His bride, the church (Which includes me!) it's actually quite breathtaking.   

Reading the Song of Solomon that night was apropos. It is indeed lovely. (I was mildly miffed this time, however, with how often breasts are mentioned - Ha!) Moving on... The bridegroom (Jesus) says this about His bride (His believers), " Thou hast ravished my heart". Wow! I have ravished the heart of the creator of all things! Selah!

I'm not going to ask why the lover of my soul didn't heal me all those years ago, or in my nephew Jake's words utter, "What Doin'?". After all, His thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are my ways His ways. (Isaiah 55:8) Instead, I am going to trust in the Lord with all my heart; and lean not unto my own understanding. (Psalm 3:5) 

My beloved is mine, 

and I am his 

(Song of Solomon 2:16)

 

O taste and see that the Lord is good! (Breast Cancer post #1)

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."  Daniel 3:17&18

Oh, to have the faith of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! They knew God could deliver them, yet they could not be sure that He would. They acted in faith that whether or not they lived, they were doing what was right and just towards their God. 

"And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace. Then Nebuchadnezzar the king was astonied, and rose up in haste, and spake, and said unto his counsellors, Did not we cast three men bound into the midst of the fire? They answered and said unto the king, True, O king. He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no hurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God."   Daniel 3:23-25

Not only did God deliver them from Nebuchadnezzar's wrath, but He sent His Son Jesus to be right there by their side during the trial. Wow!!! (When I first read this passage I was also astonished at this being approximately 580 years before the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us! ("...he is before all things..." Colossians 1:17) The three Hebrews didn't even smell like smoke - that is one smokin' God!!!

My Trial

I would love to say that I trusted God and hopped into a fiery trial, instead I just found myself thrust into the thick of one. About three months ago, I found out I had stage 3 breast cancer. The conversation with my doctor went as such:

Me: "If I were to say 'I have cancer' would I be correct"? 
My Doctor: "Yes". 
Me: "If I were to use it in a sentence, could I use it this way, 'I have cancer' "? 
My Doctor: "Yes". 
Me: Should I tell my family I have cancer"? 
My Doctor: "Yes". 

(Jesus enters the room)

God Preparing Me for My Trial

I was afraid to go to sleep that night, knowing that I would wake up and think everything was fine and dandy for a few glorious seconds and then remember, correctly, that 'I have cancer'. After falling into a deep sleep, I did wake in the middle of the night feeling extremely peaceful. Then I remembered I had cancer, and my countenance did fall. Immediately I heard Jesus say to me "Every minute can be as peaceful as that one." Oh yea - Jesus was with me now! He has been with ever since I was six years old and trusted on Him, but now it is like I have special seating in the throne room; a special VIP pass. I believe these passes are handed out when you go through a trial, if you accept them - kind of like salvation. I accepted both!

My sister, Jan, found herself in the thick of a trial recently. Filled with the Holy Spirit (Because she accepted the pass!) she asked me if I have ever woke myself up singing to God. I was so very disappointed when I realized that I had not. When I am awake I almost always have a song of the hour towards Him. To my delight, the very first morning after finding out I had cancer that had spread to my lymph nodes, I did wake myself up singing to Him! The song was "Count Your Blessings (Name Them One By One)". Jesus picked one out for me! We only sang it a few times in church; not all that familiar with it, I set out to learn it on the guitar that day. It is my theme song through this trial, because it is not about the hardships, but the blessings. 

Later that day God gave me my theme verse: 

"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me." Hebrews 13:5&6 

This indeed I needed to hear above everything else. Your 'conversation' in the Bible is not just what you say, but how you live. It would be so very easy for me to be jealous of others' normal lives...and not to be content with what I have. Bitterness could easily rear it's ugly head. I know that I need to look diligently toward Jesus! (Hebrews 12:15) The promise that comes next is awesome - not only will God never leave or forsake me, I will be able to proclaim without a doubt that He is my helper! And to wrap these verses up with a bow: "I will not fear what man shall do unto me." Man may have devised cancer and it's 'cures' may not be just that. But I need NOT fear man! Amen! 

Ready to Go! 

God has prepared me; I am armoured up and ready for the fight! Not only I, but many, many family and friends have got my back. I am on more prayer lists than I ever would have imagined. I will highlight these supporters, their prayers and Bible verses, gifts and cards that have so lovingly lighted my path, in posts to come. I want to use this forum to show off a bit - not myself, but Jesus! Once I get caught up on writing about the blessings that have already been bestowed upon me, I will keep you up on the new ones. My hope is that I make Jesus look even better to you than He did before. If you are not a believer in the one God sent, my hope is that your eyes are opened and your ears do hear of His goodness! 

O taste and see that the LORD is good:

blessed is the man that trusteth in him.     

                                                                        Psalm 34:8