What’ll I do?
When my daughter was young, she used to amiably inquire, “What’ll I do?” anytime she wasn’t sure what to do next. It was always with the intent of pleasing us. My husband loved it, and took it on as a saying himself.
When I recently found out that my breast cancer was back, and had metastasized to my brain and bones, I immediately asked God, “What did I do?” Blaming myself, I could not get to the point where I could move forward constructively and ask what I should do next. Instead, I went over and over what I should have done different, both physically and spiritually.
My whole adult life has been a big disciplinary act of trying to stay healthy. If it caused cancer, I wouldn’t go near it. If it was physical, it was by no means something I did that I should have known better. That left me with the spiritual - did sin get me here?
Sin
We are fully forgiven one hundred percent, for past, present and future sins. God only sees the righteousness of His son in us. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him. (2 Corinthians 5:21) Just to be clear, I'm not worried about my salvation here.
Adam’s sin brought death to all of us, and thanks be to God, through Christ, we are made alive! (1 Corinthians 15:22) But maybe this is a consequence of my sin, not Adam's. Our sin, after all, does find us out. (Numbers 32:23) For example, smoking often leads to lung cancer. If any man defile the temple of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are. (I Corinthians 3:17) Did I do this to myself somehow? Is there something I can do to stop it? Oh Lord, Who can understand his errors? cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: (Psalm 19:12&13) Many sleepless nights followed.
Mad at Myself, or God?
Then the song Nothing Can Touch Me That Doesn't Pass Through His Hand was sung in church the other day. I know it is true, and I know it is comforting…but not a lot for me right now. Beyond a doubt - He can heal me, so why wouldn’t He? Could I possibly be mad at my God for letting it get this far? I certainly don’t want to be! Not just because He is a consuming fire, (Hebrews 12:29) but because He has been SO VERY GOOD to me.
Yet I find my self basically hiding from, or at least not making eye contact with Him. Typically, I would be all about having an ongoing and constant conversation with my best friend; now there are gaps without Him that I never had before.
When I was dealing with breast cancer initially, I said that I would never question what the lover of my soul is doing. Now that’s all I seem to do. I need to remember how Jesus answered Peter in John chapter 21. When after Jesus told him of his future martyrdom, Peter asked what was going to happen to John. Jesus basically told him that it was none of his business. I used to chuckle at that - now it’s not so funny! (I must note here, that Peter’s death was to glorify God; a blessing above all blessings!)
Make Our Requests Known
Philippians 4:6 says, Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. It’s absolutely okay to ask God for exactly what you want. We just have to realize that He might have a better way, even if we can’t see it yet. God’s plan of salvation was much better than what Jesus wanted (being fully man!) when He asked for his cup to pass from Him. (Matthew 26:39) This is exactly why He ended His prayer with, nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will. (Being fully God!) I hold dearly on to the fact that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) It restores my soul to know that God has a beautiful plan in the works. I can't see it (at all!) but I know it's there, because He said so. Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. (Ephesians 3:20)
Eternal Illness
Technically, I have advanced cancer, not terminal cancer. Yet, that’s the term I seem to repeat to myself. Instead of thinking I have a terminal illness, I have decided to think of it as an eternal illness, as this illness is actually giving me more eternal life. And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent. (John 17:3) By much, I know Him better every day. I don’t go a minute without deeply diving into what Jesus is doing in my life. Whether I like what He’s doing or not, knowing Him better is so much better than a better life!
Praise God!
What it all comes down to is this: I have great joy when I think of God’s Truth, His Honesty, His Justice, His Purity, His Loveliness, His good report, and His virtue. (Philippians 4:8&9) It instantly leads me to praise Him, and praising Him never fails to pull me out of the dark, lonely place I go to when I wander from His fold. So I will set my mind on things of the Spirit, (instead of things of the flesh) where I will find life and peace! (Romans 8:5&6)
Praise him for his mighty acts:
praise him according to
his excellent greatness.
(Psalms 150:2)
By him therefore
let us offer the sacrifice of praise
to God continually, that is,
the fruit of our lips
giving thanks to his name.
Hebrews 13:15
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
(Psalm 23)
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