Rule #5

5. Do not criticize your ex-spouse. (That is criticizing your child!) This may be the hardest rule of all. Children instinctively know that, on a cellular level, they are made up of both of you. You might as well be saying, "You are a loser!" when you call your ex-spouse one. There is a saying that goes, "When shooting an arrow of truth, one must first dip it in honey." Buy honey by the case!

Rule #4

4. Encourage them to ask questions. Sometimes we, in the midst of divorce, are so lost in our own thoughts that we often go for hours without a spoken word. Break the silence by a simple "How ya doin', hun?" Meet their eyes and give them your undivided attention, even if just for a fleeting minute. Give them the opportunity, and they'll be more likely to talk and ask questions. Keep it simple, casual and frequent.

Rule # 3

3. Let them know that you will still be their parents, even though the marriage has ended. Seems silly doesn't it? Well, children can be silly! Let them know you will always be there for them, and that nothing could ever change the fact that you are their mom and dad. Children may fear abandonment of one or both parents, and not even ask about it. They are never too young or too old to let them know that mom will always be mom and dad will always be dad!

Rule # 2

2. Reassure children often that the divorce is not their fault. Children of all ages blame themselves. "If I would have thrown Mommy a better birthday party, they wouldn't have got divorced!" or, "If I keep my room extra clean, they won't fight" are often the perspectives of children. Many children hear their parents arguing over parenting issues. They need to know that most arguments about them result from problems in the marriage, not with them, and that they had absolutely nothing to do with your decision to divorce.

Rule#1

Over the next few days I'd like to go into more detail on the Six Golden Rules to Help Your Children Through Divorce, one rule at a time.

Rule # 1: With your spouse, tell your children before change takes place. Four out of five preschool aged children are never even told about their parents divorce! Babies know when there is a change in routine, or any stress in the household. Not only will this be one of the hardest conversations you'll have to have with your children, but you'll have to have it with the person you maybe least like. And don't dismiss the idea of seeking help from a school counselor, mental health professional, social worker, religious advisor or support group for yourself, your children or the family as a whole. Other cultures call this "enlightenment. I called it necessary.

The Six Golden Rules

Children do face difficulties when families separate. Fortunately, there are efforts parents can make to lower these hurdles. We have to shift our personal strength into overdrive; first meet our basic needs, then set ourselves aside and meet the needs of our children. Easier said than done, but isn't that what we as parents are supposed to do?
To keep myself in check, I compiled a short list of the most important advice for parents in this predicament and posted it on my refrigerator. I call them the Six Golden Rules to Help Children Through Divorce. These rules can be simple and obvious, but difficult to abide by, and easily forgotten in our strife.
1. With your spouse, tell your children before change takes place.
2. Reassure children often that the divorce is not their fault.
3. Let them know that you will still be their parents, even though the marriage has ended.
4. Encourage them to ask questions.
5. Do not criticize your ex-spouse. (That is criticizing them!)
6. Explain to them what unconditional love is!