On my sickest days you will find me laying on any surface that is slightly soft and nearby. I have no real thoughts, only the occasional impulse to vomit. I lay in silence - as noise, even a joyful noise, is bothersome. Yet there is one excitant that keeps me breathing, and that is the overwhelming love I feel towards God. I just want to praise Him for EVERYTHING! For creating such a beautiful world, for giving me such a loving family and fulfilling life, for working miracles that I will not even see this side of heaven, and on and on.
The closer I get to nothing, the more I see him as everything. The more pitiful I get, the more beautiful He is to me. I honestly believe that my desire to praise Him is keeping me alive! (I do want to note that I am on no drugs or pain killers that are making me loopy.)
In one of my earlier rounds of chemo, as I lay sick, I realized that I had not prayed much that day at all. A whole day was lost. In fact I had no energy to pray to even feel better so that I could pray. It then hit me that I have an entire army of people praying for me. I am on so many prayer lists; some at churches I have never even been to before. I don't even know some of the people that put me on their list! And then, my eyes welled with tears of utter thankfulness when it hit me that I have a great high priest offering up prayers of healing to God my Father. Jesus, in all of His glory, is working on my behalf. He is still my servant, even though He is a king; His compassions did not stop at the cross. It became suddenly clear to me what Paul meant when he said that when we are weak, He is strong.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9&10
I always thought that I would feel His strength in my moments of weakness. Yet it makes perfect sense now that I wouldn't. He is working on my behalf, because I cannot. He is the silent Saviour, and His grace comes without warning. He's the perfect comforter, a very present help in trouble. (Psalm 46:1)The harder it all gets for me, the more I love Him, and I am so very thankful to love Him more. I realize things could be so much the worse; my suffering pales to that of others. Yet now I know that not only is it possible to thank God in EVERY thing, (1 Thessalonians 5:18) it is nearly impossible not to!
A stilled life, one very foreign to me, has been a great classroom.
Over the years, my mom has grown quite accustomed to asking me, "Where are you headed?" when I call, because I always call her while driving. (I know - that's so bad!) I never gave her my undivided attention, yet she now for me will stop in her busied tracks to talk to me as long as I need. My Dad, as soon as I say, "Hi Dad!", can tell that I'm sick and asks, "Are you feeling punky?" This always makes me smile. I looked up the word once to see if it actually was a word. It means exactly how I feel... ill, rotted, burning very slowly, as a fire. But when he says it in his sweet and tender voice, immediately I feel better.
Fear not;
for I have redeemed thee,
I have called thee by thy name;
thou art mine.
Isaiah 43:1
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